Teatro Triste del Clown

Now, the “sex with a partner” part of celibacy was easy. Indeed, I have not been troubled with a potential real life partner in MONTHS. This has made my vow of celibacy much easier to uphold.

However, I also decided that I would not, in the words of Neil Simon, “diddle” with myself either. This has proved to be a somewhat more difficult part of the vow, but, thanks to willpower and to the fact that I nail one hand to the table as soon as I come home every night, I have done well. The best part is, at work I can claim I have partial stigmata. This means that the Christians are all a little afraid of me.

I digress.

I have discovered a number of things about myself since I made this life choice.

1) I spend less time online. I really didn’t realize how much time I spent looking at or for pr0n. By eliminating my pr0n surfing, I reduced my online time by 50%. Using this time, I have slept and cleaned my house. By cleaning my house, I found tons of pictures of past failed relationships which reaffirm my commitment to keeping Mr. Happy from finding his dream house, if you know what I mean.

2) A healthy penis does not slough skin like a rattlsnake in spring.

3) I’m much more mellow when I’m not thinking of sex all the time. Indeed, I can actually have conversations with real life women without staring down their shirts. This is a new experience. Did you know women had eyes? I didn’t.

I have also found that, since I took this vow, there have been a number of people online that have attempted to tempt me, so far to no avail. I am not sure why I am more interesting now than before I stopped jerking off, but apparently a guy who does not play with himself is a threat to some sort of social fabric of the Interweb. Who knew?