Penny For Your Thoughts

Joey Michaels on May 25th, 2004
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Darling, sit down.

There’s something we need to talk about. It isn’t going to be easy. Remember how we said that in order for our relationship to be open and honest we had to be able to talk about anything? Yes? You do remember saying that? Good.

Well, there is an important part of my life that I’ve been hiding from you. No, I’m not having an affair. No, I don’t have kids. No, I’m straight. Wait. Shhh. No! Listen!

Sit down.

Please?

All right. As I was saying, there is an important part of my life that I haven’t been sharing with you. It is a little hard to say. All right, here it goes.

I love to poop.

Where are you going? I am being serious. Sit down. You need to know this or you’ll never be able to understand me. Sweetheart!

Please, don’t giggle.

As I was saying, I love to poop. It is one of the things I most look forward to every day. My poops are long and satisfying. I could be having a bad day and then take a great poop, and my day is much better.

Sometimes, if I know something unpleasant I going to happen, I put off taking a poop until after the unpleasant thing just to cheer myself up. Yes, that is why I always need to use the bathroom when we get home from your parents.

Why am I telling you this? You’re always complaining that I don’t share things with you, or that I seem to be thinking of something and that I’m not telling you. Most of those times, I’m thinking of taking a poop. Now that I’ve finally been able to open up to you about this, I’ll finally be able to share my thoughts with you whenever you ask.

“Joey, what’s on your mind?”

“Poop, darling. A great, big, long poop.”

Won’t that be marvelous?

Wait. Where are you going? Sweetheart, I am being serious! I can’t believe you think this is disgusting! When will you be back? Sweetheart? Sweetheart?

Damn.

Good thing I was waiting to poop.

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Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

Joey Michaels on May 4th, 2004

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