Teatro Triste del Clown

I was predisposed to liking Paul Hamm just because of his name. I figured any man named after my favorite food must be an excellent sort of fellow and fine athlete. I later found out that he pronounced it as if the “b” in “bomb” had been replaced by an “h.” This was, of course, crushing news, but by this time, I already liked the little fellow.

Mind you, I did not like him enough to actually watch gymnastics. I try to never watch gymnastics during the Olympics. I have a rule regarding gymnastics. Specifically, I believe that gymnastics are hella cool when used for dramatic effect, but lame when used as a sport.

This has not changed my appreciation for Paul Hamm. Someday, I even hope to see a picture of him.

Now, apparently, there was some controversy regarding his gold medal. Specifically, the numbers didn’t really add out properly. Basically, the judges gave him the medal even though a South Korean probably deserved it. Never-the-less, Paul left with the gold and the South Koreans didn’t notice the mistake until it was too late to lodge a formal protest.

The next series of events that happened was bizarre. To make a long story short, the Olympic dudes said “we will not award a second gold medal.” Hamm said he would only give the medal back if the International Olympic folks ruled he should. The head of the International Gymnastics group, whom I am going to call Hans Gunderson, because it sounds foreign, sent him a letter saying that, while they had not ruled that he should give it back, that boy would it be a nice gesture if he did.

I have watched sports on occasion through much of my life and have seen many bad calls by refs, umpires and judges. The correct thing to do in these circumstances is to get drunk and bitch bitch about how you would have won if the ref hadn’t been a blind cocksucker. That is the sporting way. It is the refs job to go at home to his family and laugh about how he cost the deserving team or person their win.

Why is this situation different?

Well, I think it ties in with George W. Bush. See, GWB didn’t have the numbers to win anyway, but he won. I think many people in the world see poor Paul Hamm as the athletic version of Bush and, thus, hate him for basically doing nothing but winning. The fact that the minute the controversy erupted he left Greece hasn’t done a lot to obviate this perception.

I think that, while Paul Hamm won on a scoring technicality, winning on technicalities is part of competitive athletics and, thus, a legitimate win. In theory, it is not the same as a “technical win” in politics, which is not a sport. Well, at least it isn’t supposed to be.